Believe 100% in Your Ability to Recover

Emily Fraser (she/her) is the Community Engagement Coordinator at Mount Royal University in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Prior to her brain injury, she was an educator and musician. Emily is passionate about creating inclusive spaces where everyone feels a sense of belonging. Outside of the workplace, she is the host of “The Calm Podcast with Emily Fraser” and runs @post_concussion_support on Instagram.

THE EARLY DAYS

In October of 2018 I was rear-ended as I was leaving work. At first I thought I was fine and even drove myself home, but the symptoms quickly started piling up. Despite many attempts, returning to work as a middle school band teacher was impossible. I spent months unable to tolerate light or noise or physical activity. The headaches were unbearable, I could barely move my neck, and my eyes felt like they were constantly burning. I was having panic attacks almost daily and my life consisted of doing pain relief meditations and attending several medical appointments per week. I remember being so dizzy that turning over in bed made my head spin. I had always been such a high achiever, leading various student clubs, volunteering outside of work, directing musical productions and performing oboe in symphonies. In the blink of an eye, my entire life had changed.

Prior to my injury, I had always believed that my self-worth was related to how busy or productive I was. The first several months of my recovery were so challenging because it was the first time I had been forced to slow down. I became depressed and felt I had no purpose or reason to live. My nervous system was stuck in fight or flight, so I was always crying or screaming. I knew my behaviour was pushing my family and friends away. At that point, I found a couple of post concussion syndrome support groups on Facebook. Finding a group of people who understood what I was going through and being a part of the virtual concussion community changed the course of my healing journey.

FINDING COMMUNITY

I eventually created @post_concussion_support on Instagram to reflect on my experience, connect with others, and share resources. Exposing myself to uplifting individuals on social media really helped me adopt a growth mindset. I started learning how to set boundaries, how to advocate for myself, and how to clearly communicate my needs with loved ones. The quality of information online was incredible, and I was able to trust my intuition on what I needed and find some amazing health practitioners. In the fall, I started my gradual return to work teaching one “Career and Life Management” course. I was only working three hours a week, and even that was exhausting and led to major setbacks. I would meditate in the car before entering the building, had a pillow under my desk to rest often, and would wear sunglasses and earplugs while teaching with the lights off. Looking back, I should not have been back at work yet, but at that time I still associated my career with my identity and refused to “give up.” I had to be vulnerable with my students, and they were so empathetic. They took breaks to silently write in their journals when I was overwhelmed, and joined me in deep breathing exercises when my symptoms were flaring. I feel grateful to have formed that bond with them.

COVID-19

Then the global pandemic happened. Although the restrictions negatively impacted so many people, I felt like the world was finally living like I had been for months. No more FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out)! Teaching remotely was unexpectedly ideal for me. Yes, I missed the connection with students, but I had so much more energy not having to drive to work and be in an overstimulating school environment. Wearing sweatpants to work was an added bonus. During this time, I started my podcast and offered temporary virtual support groups for others in the concussion community who could no longer access in-person treatment. It was so fulfilling, but I was falling back into old patterns of being busy to prove my worth. I had to take a step back and make myself a priority. The lesson of needing to put my oxygen mask on before helping others is one that I seem to have to re-learn constantly.

By the fall of 2020, I had worked my way up to 12 hours of teaching per week, but it was becoming obvious that I would need to shift careers if I was ever going to get back to full time. Despite making tremendous improvements, directing junior high band is one of the worst work environments for someone with persistent concussion symptoms. I also still wasn’t able to cover my supervision, homeroom, or co-curricular requirements. I signed-up for the online program “Concussion Compass” and completed all of the mini-courses. I started seeing some new doctors, committed to an exercise routine, and increased my focus on planning/pacing. I also started visualizing my body healing every night as I was falling asleep. Instead of acting like my body was against me, I worked with it, offered myself compassion, and started to truly believe in my ability to recover. These changes led to huge improvements in the early months of 2021. I was able to resume my Masters of Education online, graduate from vision therapy, and find a new job at a university that met all of my requirements for accommodations.

CHANGED FOR THE BETTER

As I write this, many of my symptoms have significantly decreased or disappeared. Many of my health practitioners ask me how close I am to my pre-injury self. It is so hard to answer that question. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, I am in a better place than I ever have been. I have learned so many tools, discovered how resilient I am, and found such a strong support network. I am more grounded and connected to myself than ever before. Physically, I still feel limited at times, but I have learned how to plan and structure my day so that I can avoid or manage symptoms.

Every morning I am grateful that taking a shower or putting on clothes doesn’t wipe me out for the entire day. When I was in the darkest times, I couldn’t find anyone who had recovered from Post Concussion Syndrome. I saw over 25 medical practitioners while searching for answers. I am sharing my story because I want everyone to know that healing is possible. I know how isolating this experience can be. The invisibility of our injuries doesn’t make it easy for others to understand and support us. No matter what stage you are in, ups and downs are part of the process. Recovery isn’t linear. If you start to believe 100% in your ability to heal, you will get better.

Don’t give up. You are not alone. Please reach out anytime for support. I would love to share more about what treatments helped me and connect with you. Send me a text or voice message @post_concussion_support on Instagram.