The Old School Mentality Will Get You Hurt

Curtis Smith grew up in Victoria B.C. as a multi-sport athlete. He received a lacrosse scholarship to The Ohio State University and was a student athlete there for four (4) years, from 2000-2003. Once his lacrosse career was cut short as a result of numerous concussions, he became a Firefighter/Paramedic for thirteen (13) years in Alberta. Curtis has a lot of experience with the long term health effects of concussions not only from a personal perspective, but from a clinical (EMS) standpoint as well. 

I’ll begin my story with a bold - but in my opinion - true statement: I’ve sustained so much sports related head trauma over the course of my life that the amount of damage my brain has endured has to be in the upper tier of former athletes out there who have suffered concussions. Is this me sensationalizing? Is this me trying to convince you of how tough I was? Or is this me attempting to pad my story for attention? The answer to those questions is a loud and resounding; “none of the above”! It actually makes me nauseous to think about it, let alone put it in writing. It’s a bag of mixed emotions that stem from frustration, regret and the fear of the dreaded question: Do I have Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE)? I blame nobody but myself and the overall lack of education during the era in which I played contact sports. Rather than pointing fingers or placing the blame elsewhere, I’m sharing my story (like many others do) to educate and highlight the risks of repeated head injuries, but also to ensure people out there know they’re not alone and there are resources and help available.

My journey started and ended like many others who began playing contact sports in the mid 80’s, up until retirement as an adult. I knew there were inherent risks in playing these sports. I knew the chances of being injured were greatly increased the more sports I played, and the longer I played them. I’ve sustained broken bones, stitches, sprains and many other ailments related to my participation throughout athletics. I do not regret for a second, the path I took to get where I am presently. What I do wish however, is that the information available today on concussions (signs/symptoms, reporting, etc.) and potential long term health effects, were available to me when I was growing up. Again, I want to be clear on this, it’s nobody’s fault as to why things played out the way they did. I do however, want to implore everyone to get a holistic view on concussions through education, research, speaking with experts in this field and speaking to other current/former athletes who have suffered sports related head injuries. Below I’ll lay out for you a few scary results and long term effects of my own, all of which have stemmed from my personal history of suffering multiple concussions.

My name is Curtis Smith, I was a Division 1 lacrosse player for The Ohio State University. I was also a three (3) time All-Conference and an All-American my Senior year, after which I was drafted into the National Lacrosse League and played one year with the Colorado Mammoth. Sadly, I had to retire at 25 years of age as a result of countless (yes, you read that correctly) concussions. Leading up to the final “break the camel's back” (or put another way “almost obliterate Curt’s brain stem”) hit that I suffered, and which led to five (5) months of Post Concussion Syndrome (PCS), was a colossal list of blows to the head that began at a very young age.  

I grew up on the West Coast of Canada, on Vancouver Island (Victoria). I was always athletic from as far back as I can remember. I was on hockey skates when I was two (2) years old, picked for numerous rep teams in multiple sports, always picked first in PE class, etc. However, I’d gravitate mostly towards contact sports. During my era, it was the tough guy mentality of “shake it off, sit out a shift then get back out there!”, or “oh you just got your bell rung, toughen up!” and of course “you don’t want to let your team down do you?!” These were cultural ideologies within athletics that I lived and breathed for the multiple teams I was on. Yet I came to find out that all the while I was doing irreparable damage to my brain and changing my personality along with it.

I grew up playing lacrosse, hockey and rugby. All three (3) of which were relentless when it came to countless blows to the head. I was introduced to box lacrosse (indoor version) via my 2nd grade teacher (her son played), who suggested it to my parents during a parent-teacher interview session. She noticed I was faster than most kids and loved to roughhouse with friends during recess and lunch breaks. That summer, my parents signed me up and I immediately fell in love with the sport. Bear in mind, this was 1987, so at that age we were allowed to cross check, slash and body check each other back then. It wasn’t just legal, it was encouraged! I can vividly remember laying kids out and being praised for it. I can also remember (multiple times) being on the team bus coming back from tournaments with what felt like intense, migraine headaches. The coach or trainer would be rotating ice cold cloths on my head to try and alleviate the pain.

When I reflect back to those years, I realize it wasn’t until around twelve (12) years of age that the cascade effects of concussions began to manifest. 1992 was when the intense, social anxiety began to creep in and my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) began to reveal itself. The anxiety would rear its head in school, when meeting new people, and even when attempting to buy a pack of gum from a 7-Eleven, just to name a few (of many) triggers. I was a quiet kid in social settings or around people I hardly knew, others may have used the term shy…and for some, especially my classmates, I started getting a reputation as an a**hole. This was a misrepresentation of who I was and a misconception overall (by many) as to why I acted this way. The behaviour I exhibited back then stemmed from the persistent anxiety and the overwhelming fear of being in the spotlight (outside of sports). I had certain people I trusted and a close-knit clique, but outside of that, it was very hard to get to know me or get more than a sentence out of my mouth.

And so began a long road of rinse/wash/repeat. Receive a hard blow to the head (with associated concussion-like symptoms), dump some gasoline onto the social anxiety/OCD fire and then await the next elbow/cross check/punch/knee/etc. to my head. What’s the definition of insanity again? Oh that’s right, doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result. As crazy as it sounds, the only thing that changed for me once I got to college was I narrowed it down to only lacrosse that would continue to perpetuate this vicious cycle. Speaking of college…

My time at The Ohio State University was remarkable. I was fortunate enough to play with many incredible teammates, under a great coaching staff, at an amazing University, while matching up against some of the best teams and players in the NCAA. It would be an understatement to say that I was living the good life, and in my element. As great as it was to play college lacrosse at the highest level, it was also responsible for seven (7) concussions during my time there. After my third (3rd) concussion at OSU, that was also when another long term side effect decided to join my symptom “party”. One that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy: Sleep Paralysis.  

Sleep conditions such as insomnia, over sleeping, etc. can happen as a result of concussions. This generally depends on the severity, the amount of times you’ve been concussed, PCS, etc. but another type of condition that I’m convinced was brought on by my history of head injuries, is The Old Hag Syndrome. The actual medical term is Sleep Paralysis and it’s a condition where one is put into a “state”, when either falling asleep or waking up, where they are lucid and aware of their surroundings but paralyzed (unable to move OR speak). The kicker here, and most definitely the worst part of Sleep Paralysis, is the person can hallucinate. My first episode of experiencing this and all others since, have had hallucinations associated with it…and they are terrifying!

Now let me be as clear as I can for those of you reading this who have never suffered from, or heard of this condition. When I say hallucinate, I don’t mean I see friendly cartoons or rainbows in the room, far from it. Its alternative name of “The Old Hag Syndrome” was coined for a reason, it’s associated with occult-like entities such as demons/witches/paranormal black masses/etc. The medical community attributes this condition to people who claim they have been abducted by aliens, just to give you some perspective as to how real it feels when experiencing it. I could speak on this for hours as I still continue to suffer from it to this day, but I encourage you to do your own research on this condition if you're interested. 

As noted above, concussions have led to many adverse side effects throughout my life. Over the years, I’ve developed ways to cope/control and even overcome them. Just as concussion and PCS symptoms can vary person to person, so too can their treatment methods. What’s worked for me isn’t a cure-all for others that have endured a similar history of head injuries, but the key is to find the path that works for you. That’s why I think it’s invaluable for all of us to share our stories and struggles, as well as certain methods of coping and overcoming them. For me, it’s been a combination of speaking with healthcare professionals/medication/exercise/meditation/nutrition, just to name the most impactful. The Concussion Legacy Foundation has been instrumental in my path with finding certain resources, hearing other personal stories, education on specific studies and possible treatments, and knowing at the end of the day there are MANY people out there who struggle daily with similar issues. If you have never seen the documentary Head Games (2012), it’s incredible and a must watch. It was also the catalyst for me to start reflecting on my concussion history and to start researching the long term effects of sustaining repeated blows to the head.

My decision to donate my brain to the Concussion Legacy Foundation was an easy one, and was based on a few factors. Former football players dominate the discussion when it comes to CTE, and for good reason. There isn’t a higher profile sport, or organization than the NFL in the United States (in my opinion). Highlighting former NFL players who struggle, commit suicide, etc. is well documented and highly publicized. Part of the reason I wanted to donate my brain to the Foundation was to show that lesser profile sports such as lacrosse, can yield just as bad results…and even worse in certain cases. The second reason was to contribute to ongoing research and the ultimate goal of finding a cure.

Simply put, I’m as certain as I can be (seeing how the only way to confirm is post-mortem) that I have CTE. Looking at my history of concussions, subconcussive impacts, seeing stars (countless times) after taking/giving body checks, the split second silence and blackness I experienced after many hard hits, etc. Combine that with my (periodic) present day issues of forgetfulness, poor impulse control and certain moments of intense irritability and you’ll understand why I self-diagnosed. It’s a sobering thought, no question about it ,and I really hope I’m wrong but I’m not typically one to live with regrets or worry about things that I have no control over. In regards to my concussion history and probable CTE, all I can do now is share my story and help to educate others on the risks of playing contact sports, reasons to never hide concussions from your coach/trainers and to NEVER attempt to “tough through” a concussion and continue playing. Trust me when I tell you (from experience), it won't end well.